Category Archives: Cravings

The plan works: a small victory

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We decided to splurge and go out to eat tonight for the first time in about 2 months.  By splurge, though, I just mean financially – Nate and I both stayed on track nutritionally.  We went to Chili’s, and we both had fajitas without the tortillas.  I thought about having just one tortilla, but I decided against it.  I knew I didn’t really need it, and I knew that all the onions probably had me up against my daily carb limit, so I chose to skip it, even if it would’ve been a pretty small splurge.

But the REAL victory came when I saw the dessert menu.  I’ve always loved their molten chocolate cake as it is, and I began drooling almost instantly tonight when I saw that they’ve introduced a version with a peanut butter filling.  If you know me, you know that peanut butter and chocolate is crack to me; I absolutely adore it.  So if you take one of my favorite chocolate-y desserts and add PB to it, I’m pretty much in heaven.

Except, of course, that I couldn’t have one, which made it more like hell…

I sat at the table absolutely lusting after it.  I hadn’t intended to splurge tonight, and even if I had, I’ve made a rule for myself that I will have NO sugar this year.  I know how addicted I am to sugar, and I think it’s one of those things where I can’t even open the door a crack or I’m going to fall completely off the wagon.  But this dessert – it was beckoning to me.  I actually covered the picture up when I was looking at that page of the menu to try to resist its siren call.  But I kept trying to come up with ways to rationalize it.

When I was just about to my breaking my point, I suddenly said to myself, “It’s just one year.”  And with that one sentence, I was totally fine.  Which is awesome, because that’s exactly why I chose to do it this way.  So that when temptation got too strong, I could remind myself that it’s just one year.  Not that I expect to go back to my old eating patterns again next year, but I hope by then I’ll be in a much better place and can allow myself the occasional splurge.  So I know that, in a year, if I’m still really dying for this, I can give it a try.

It’s not forever – it’s just one year.  And I can totally do that.

Just a picture of peanut butter cups

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Things have actually been going pretty smoothly.  Sunday is one month since we started, and I haven’t had too many major cravings.  As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve been wanting bread and milk, but the sugar cravings have been pretty nonexistent.  And that’s the BIG battle for me.  I’m a compulsive overeater, and my binges have almost always been on sweet foods.  I truly believe I have a sugar addiction.  (And yes, sugar addiction is very real, as I wrote about in my old blog a couple of years ago.)

But I got hit with the first big one today.  One of the sites I follow on Facebook posted something about Reese’s PB cups, one of my very favorite treats, and for some reason, it hit me really hard.  I follow a number of food bloggers, so it’s not like this is the first time I’ve been exposed to something like this.  But seeing that picture and reading about a yummy recipe they’re posting soon, suddenly I had this mental image of sitting on the couch with a bag of them and just eating them all.

What’s worst, though, is not the mental image.  Rather, it’s what I think about when I have food fantasies like this, what I hear in my head.  It goes a little something like this:  “Why not, Michelle?  Wouldn’t you rather be fat and happy?  I mean, you’re a lost cause anyway.  You can’t possibly lose as much weight as you have to lose.  Why torture yourself?  Wouldn’t a whole bag of those feel good right now?”

Dear heavens, when I type it out like that, it makes me want to cry.  Why do I allow myself to treat myself like that?  But it’s so deeply ingrained that I barely even realize it happening.  Were it not for the fact that I’m keeping this blog, which makes me more attuned to these thoughts, it would hardly even have passed into my consciousness.

And the irony is that I know it would not actually feel good at all.  I’d shovel them into my mouth, barely tasting them, and then I’d be overwhelmed with guilt and self hatred.  I’d get no joy at all out of those PB cups.

That’s what is most overwhelming to me about this journey.  That negative voice – that not only tells me terrible things about myself but also lies to me about what would make me happy – is such an intrinsic part of me that I don’t know how to excise it.  Or better yet, to turn it into a positive voice that helps me, rather than brings me down.  It’s so hard to maintain optimism and self-confidence when that voice talks to me so many times per day.

Plugging along

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I realize I haven’t written here in over a week.  Right after I started this blog, I had to attend one of Maggie’s dance competitions, and those are so intense that I end wiped up out for a few days.

Although to be honest, I guess I feel like I haven’t had much to say yet.  I’m now about 3.5 weeks in, and it’s going fairly well.  We’ve discovered a lot of good foods that keep us feeling pretty satisfied and not deprived.  I actually don’t have a lot of cravings.  Normally, I’d be majorly craving sweets, but I’ve even found some decent substitutes there.  I’m trying not to overdo it on those b/c I really don’t like all those nasty chemicals.  But the conclusion I finally came to as part of my decision to start this diet is that no amount of chemicals could possibly be as unhealthy as the weight I’m at.  So I eat them in moderation and will mostly wean off of them in the future.  For right now, though, they are my crutch.

Oddly, what I am craving most is bread and milk.  I’m used to having a big glass of milk with dinner; it just doesn’t seem like dinner to me without it.  And I’m cooking lots of great dinners, so it’s hard for me not to have a glass of milk alongside.  Also, my kids have been on a mini bagel kick, but even a mini bagel has almost as many carbs as I indulge in on a typical day, so they’re still out of the question.  Down the line, I hope to enjoy them again.  I think if I could add a glass of juice at breakfast, a bagel or some crackers for snacks, and milk at dinner, I’d actually be quite happy.  One day!

For those wondering, here are some of my favorite foods right now: