I’ve been wanting to start a blog to chronicle my weight loss journey for awhile now. A friend had really encouraged me to journal and suggested that a blog might work, if I wanted to be public with my thoughts. And I do like that idea, b/c a) it will help keep me accountable, and b) maybe I can help someone else who struggles with the same issues I do. I know that I’m not alone in feeling the way that I do.
So I’d been kicking the idea of blogging around for awhile, but as is usually the case with me, I didn’t follow through until I came up with a good name. As fate would have it, that happened tonight. Over the coming days, I’ll write more about my history and what my current weight loss plan is, but right now, I just want to explain my blog title.
I have a dear friend whom I email frequently, and we talk a lot about body image issues, as it is something we both deal with. (How many women DON’T deal with body image issues?) I just told her recently about my new plan to finally shed this incredible amount of extra weight I’m carrying around, and one of the things I said was that, at my current weight, I feel “disgusting.” (And while I honestly can’t bring myself to admit my weight publicly, suffice it to say that the number I need to lose is easily in the triple digits. From every objective measure, I am very overweight.)
Caring friend that she is, she told me that I shouldn’t feel that way and that she wishes I could see myself the way she sees me. When I replied to her, I told her that I know I’m not a bad person and that I shouldn’t define myself by my weight. And yet it’s still an issue I struggle with deeply, and this is why:
There is no place I go where I feel, “Hey, I look pretty good.” Instead, I know I look worse than most of the people there, and that yes, a lot of them are judging me. And if they’re thinking I have no willpower and that I just pig out a lot – well, they’re right. Does that then make me a bad person? No. I know I’m not a bad person b/c I’m fat. But I still hate that I’ve let myself get here, and I DO think that I’m lazy and that I have no one to blame but myself, b/c it’s the truth. Again, it doesn’t make me a bad person. But it often feels like I’ve got a scarlet letter that announces to the world what my worst flaws are, only instead of an A, it’s an F for fat.
And that is where my blog title comes from. I hope that this blog will be about more than just “I ate this today,” and, “I exercised this much,” and, “I lost this much this week.” (Although I know I will post those kinds of things, too.) I hope to also chronicle the emotional journey I’m going on, trying to start accepting myself and stop feeling like a woman who deserves a public flogging.